In South Africa, while progressive laws supporting LGBTQI rights are in place, the reality on the ground often tells a different story. For many LGBTQI individuals and their families, the struggle for acceptance, safety, and equality continues, exacerbated by cultural, religious, and societal pressures. In this interview, we speak with Virginia Magwaza, the Executive Director of Parents, Families & Friends of South African Queers (PFSAQ), an organisation dedicated to addressing the challenges faced by LGBTQI individuals and their families. They discuss the significant gaps between legal protections and societal attitudes, the impact of family rejection, and the vital work their organisation does to foster understanding, support, and inclusion.
From film festivals that challenge misconceptions to heartwarming initiatives like the “Parents Hug Corner” at Pride events, PFSAQ’s initiatives aim to bridge generational and cultural divides. Through their efforts, they empower families and LGBTQI individuals to embrace love and acceptance in the face of adversity. In this conversation, Virgina shares stories of resilience, the importance of bodily autonomy, and the ways in which PFSAQ is working to redefine what family means.
Could you start by telling us about some of the challenges LGBTQI families or individuals commonly face in South Africa?
South Africa is the most progressive country in Africa, but there is a huge gap between the progressive laws and the perceptions and attitudes of people. We still have a high number of reported hate crimes, discrimination, and non-acceptance of LGBTIQ+ individuals by their families. Many experience violence at home, perpetrated by parents and siblings, as well as bullying in schools, leading to high dropout rates.
Home is often the first encounter of violence due to culture, tradition, and religion. Many parents find it difficult to accept their children because of religious teachings about LGBTIQ+ people. For example, one mother stated that she had noticed her daughter was different and accepted it. However, after attending church where the pastor preached that LGBTIQ+ people are worse than demons, She returned home thinking, “I can’t have a demon in my house, and I can’t be committing a sin,” and felt she had to change her daughter.
We see many situations where queer people are disowned and end up homeless, which brings many challenges. Once homeless, many enter unhealthy, abusive, or transactional relationships because they have nowhere else to go. These situations complicate their ability to maintain autonomy, especially regarding safe sexual practices, increasing the risk of HIV infections.
We see many situations where queer people are disowned and end up homeless, which brings many challenges. Once homeless, many enter unhealthy, abusive, or transactional relationships because they have nowhere else to go.
We’ve encountered queer individuals turning to substance abuse to cope with rejection. In one session with young queer people, one participant said, “We live in families where we are always called names. When you come home and are called all these names, if you’re drunk, you can’t even hear the names being said, and you just go to sleep. That’s one of the reasons we drink so much.”
That was sad to hear, as it shows that parents, or even the church, often don’t understand how they contribute to the ills of society. That is why we also connect with religious leaders so that we can highlight these issues and for them to realise that as much as they are the church, they are connected to how the society turns out.
Religious beliefs also contribute to domestic violence and gender-based violence. One mother pointed out that while they had accepted their daughter, it was challenging to communicate with the father due to culture, tradition, and religious beliefs. When they finally told him their daughter was different, violence was directed at both the mother and daughter. So, when you look at it, it’s an intersection of challenges that are caused by just one thing – understanding sexual orientation and gender identity issues.
So how does your organisation help to address these challenges? What are some of the resources or programmes you provide?
As you can imagine, it’s difficult to invite parents to a meeting just to learn how to accept their LGBTIQ+ children. Instead, we create various activities to engage them. We work across the nine provinces of South Africa, partnering with strategic organisations, including both LGBTIQ+ and non-LGBTIQ+ civil society organisations who are already working with the communities in the various provinces.
One of our key initiatives is the Kasi2Kasi Queer Film Festival. “Kasi” is a South African township term meaning “local.” During the festival, we identify organisations in various provinces and connect with them to organise film screenings that focus on queer African content, because we want to move away from this narrative that homosexuality is un-African. These films address themes of acceptance, mental health, and intersex issues, helping parents relate to the challenges LGBTIQ+ individuals face.
We also bring parents to Pride events, allowing them to be visible and connect with the queer community. During these events, we have a “Parents Hug Corner” where parents offer hugs to queer individuals who may never have received such support from their own families. It has worked very well the past three years and you get to hear stories from queer people saying “I’m taking that hug for the full year because I don’t get it at home.”
You have four different groups of people you work with, parents of LGBTQI people, LGBTQI families themselves, young LGBTQI people and also allies and friends. Could you tell us a bit about the different groups, the challenges they face and the work that you do with them?
Yeah, I think I’ve spoken more about parents and allies because most of the work we do focuses on them. However, we try to connect these groups. For instance, during our queer film festivals, we bring in young queer folks, some of whom are parents themselves, and they bring their children along. This creates a lovely environment and helps bridge that intergenerational gap. That said, we’ve identified specific issues affecting both young queer individuals and their parents, particularly those who identify as LGBTIQ+.
We’ve been trying to raise funds for a program specifically aimed at LGBTQI+ parents and young queer individuals who want to start families. This program would focus on sexual and reproductive rights, specifically raising awareness around reproductive justice, because we’ve learned that issues of acceptance are often connected to the pressures young queers feel regarding their parents’ expectations.
For instance, one young queer shared at a meeting that when she told her mother about her attraction to women, her mother immediately responded saying “so what about me getting grandchildren.” Of course there are various elements that are connected here. First, that this young woman lacks autonomy over her own body. Second, it shows how family pressure can impact her decisions. In this case, she felt compelled to try to get pregnant just to please her mother. She ultimately brought the child to her mother, only to go back to living her life as a lesbian. This situation creates layers of issues, where a child grows up without the love they deserve, and the young woman is now doing something just to be accepted by her mother.
The reproductive justice program we envision aims to raise awareness among young queers about bodily autonomy and empower them to stand up for themselves in challenging situations. That’s the first thing. The second thing is we need to tackle this lack of representation for queer health issues, particularly in discussions around sexual and reproductive rights. My research on the Cairo conference highlighted that queer sexual health topics were largely overlooked. We need to start conversations addressing the specific challenges queer individuals face. It’s important that queer people understand that they have a choice to start a family, and if they want to start a family, what is available for them to start a family. Traditional concepts of family often exclude diverse structures. It’s essential to provide queer people with information on what resources are available to help them start families, including the pros and cons of various methods. Young queer individuals should know they have options and that they can make informed choices about their futures.
Finally, there’s a need for even the children who come from queer families to have the capacity to stand up for themselves as these families are often not regarded as families. I’ll give you an example, my son understands that I date women, and he has the confidence to tell his friends, “My mother is a lesbian.” He stands up to homophobia, making it clear that such attitudes are unacceptable. We want to raise children from these families who can defend themselves against bullying because their family does not look like the kind of family that is accepted.
Even in South Africa, where our laws are progressive, we still see lesbian mothers battling biological fathers in court, with those fathers attempting to declare them unfit based on their sexual orientation. This highlights the urgent need for our work in supporting LGBTIQ+ families and fostering acceptance in our communities.
We need to start conversations addressing the specific challenges queer individuals face. It’s important that queer people understand that they have a choice to start a family, and if they want to start a family, what is available for them to start a family.
And is there a specific story that you would like to share of a family or an individual that you’ve worked with?
We had this particular mother whose son came out to her and the mother was like so what does that mean and what must I do? So she contacted our board member, who she had met through her work around environment and climate change, and said “hey here’s this thing happening to me now my boy says he’s gay and I’m so confused on how to deal with it.” Our board member invited her to one of our activities and she was so quiet like she didn’t say a thing.
She came to three activities and the fourth time she came, she stood up and said “my son told me he was gay and I was so confused and didn’t know what that means and how I should react as a parent. But it also left me with a thought because I was thinking about my extended family. I was thinking about my church that had been preaching that homosexuality is a sin. But I joined the activities of PFSAQ. Now I am proud to say I’m a full member of PFSAQ because now I am enlightened. I love my son.”
A few months down, her son was getting married to his partner and she became the witness in their wedding and signed on behalf of his son which was amazing.
Is there a final message you would like to share with the GiveOut community?
I think it’s important for people to understand that supporting the work we do saves many lives, especially when it comes to mental health, preventing suicides, and ensuring children can attend school. One of our focus areas is inclusive education, where we work with the Department of Education to push for policies that make schools more inclusive. When schools are inclusive, there are fewer dropouts, and more queer learners can access education, gain independence, and thrive—even in families that may not fully support them.
It’s really about the intersection of these issues, and for us to create a society that protects the existence and well-being of queer people, we need to address all of them. Supporting the work we do helps make society a better place for everyone.
To learn more about PFSAQ, visit their website here.